Sigh

Oh my Savannah Rose is one curious little girl.  Since she could talk she would ask me the HARDEST- soul wrenching questions.  Not only does she have no filter with her questions, she comes up with things that I would never think of or that I would have NEVER asked my mom.  She wants to know if I've smoked, done drugs, wore short shirts, how do you get a baby in your belly, where does the baby come out, have I actually heard God talk and on and on and on…. and ON.  She has been asking about Santa since she was 3 and I always will ask her what she thinks, which would get her talking and she would usually end up content.  

One night we were all in the shop and she said "is the tooth fairy real" and I slipped out the door as fast as possible so Michael could handle this one.  She came up to me later and said "mom I really need to know if the tooth fairy is real, daddy said it isn't him but I need to know" and she stared into my soul with those magical beautiful eyes of her… and there sitting in the front yard, I told her the truth.  I made it fun and light but she was having none of it.  Her tooth fairy had written her letters and sent pictures of herself, they were pen pals.  Then without missing a beat she said what about Santa and the Easter bunny and leprechauns and our elf nevalyn… and I told her the truth.  I pulled out everything I had ever read on pintrest on telling your kids and I told her about the real Saint Nicholas and how my parents were my santa claus and now she can help us… and she was broken.  Nothing I was saying was making her feel better, then the tears started and they were real heart wrenching tears.  It was a disaster.  She's wanted to be an elf when she grows up since she was first asked.  She said "why did you tell me I could be an elf if they are not real"  and I told her because I still think she can be one.  Elves help people and bring joy and there is no doubt that she will do that when she grows up, she already does it now.  But its not the same.  She thought santa would pick her up and fly her to the North Pole.  I held her for the longest time and she cried and I cried… it was crazy.  Michael came over and said "is innocence lost" and she lost it again.  He picked her up and she melted into him.  

It did surprise me how deeply she believed and how hurt she was, it was heartbreaking.  She settled down and we played in the sprinklers but she was still sad.  That night she said "I feel like all is lost" and that she is not going to tell her kids that Santa is real and it really made me doubt our choice of doing Santa.  I prayed so hard for her little heart that night… Savvy asks some big questions but she is still my little girl.  She has since recovered and we have talked and talked and talked about it.  She  hasn't brought it up in several days but it still is tearing me up inside.  Who would every think a man whose stomach shook like a bowl full of jelly could break our hearts